16 July 2011 Unexpected!

007~

the keychains i got from OO nite and the badges i bought, AH(always hungry) was for her though~

damn lot of things to write~
ok 1st of all i was suppose to be working today, BUT last minute it was cancelled and i had a very bad stomachache in the morning.
so i went to Urbanscapes with wesha, initially i thought we'll be going with the SSH gang(and if she happen to be going that would be a bonus i guess?) so i thought why not~? but in the end it was just wesha and I that went there in the morning, we met up with wendi and her sister plus 5 of her friends, though i wasn't expecting to see wendi there~ anyway they were supposed to setup a booth there la~
when we reached urbanscapes, wesha was complaining that it wasn't really happening there yet and both of us were very very hungry~ while scouting for food and was looking around with wesha somehow there was this 8tv quickie thing finding for a new host, and we saw wendi with her friend(they look very close so i'm guessing its her boi friend?) inside waiting to give it a shot, while i on the other hand was hesitating whether should i try it out or not? in the end i gave it a shot coz the number they gave me was 007 :DDD
it was then when they asked us to prepare for questions like why we think we should be the new host? and intro ourselves abit, suddenly wendi whispered to wesha asking me to tell that how much i like "her" during the interview, honestly i was stunned abit la~ guess there's no secret between her and her best friend huh? anyway i gave this a go coz i was reminded of wad lyn told me *do something u would never do!* and it turned out it was quite fun~ though yes i know i suck =3=

Was hanging out ,chatting, helping to sell the items in the booth while eating green tea popcorn!
though wesha and i was addicted to the popcorn at 1st but in the end we dint wanted anything to do with it anymore. Wesha told me that "she" was going also~ ugh my heart drop out for awhile, coz i thought she was going to bon odori~ i saw alot of things that i thought she would like, wanted to get it for her but i thought that ugh mayb not this time bah, since i'm still having trouble talking normally with her.
but in the end i bought a badge for her and a bag of macarons, coz i took wesha's advice and i thought mayb can give it a try bah~ but honestly i of thought buying her sumthing coz i knew she at first oso wanted to come to urbanscapes de but she just dint come~ anyway we were at urbanscapes from 12pm til 4pm, saw alot of things and learnt alot of things oso~ wasn't disappointed at all~

when we rushed back for OO, i asked wesha for help to give the things to "her" but i doubting whether my decision was right? coz if i dun have the guts to give it to her face to face den hmmm things aren't gonna go well. After slacking and playing awhile outside the college hall, she came! my heart drop out for awhile coz she look so cute~ :DD haha she was in a dress while wearing a red checks jacket~ and her hair was tied neatly~

after we entered the college hall, and i when searching for my bro, aaron and dorcas, when i came back to my seat raymond gave me the badge which wesha gav her, i was completely frozen back there, i knew that "yes ernest that choice back was not the right choice at all and u can forget about the macarons!" i was under the weather through out the whole event and to top it up with the not very impressive performance, though i kept shouting and scream when our TT members went on stage~ but honestly i was seriously fucked up inside until i really wanted to walk off half way trough the event. but in the end i stayed, and as soon as the event ended, i haven cam out with a solution yet and was really really panic-ing, but in the end when our eyes met she gave a smile and asked me was urbanscapes fun? MY GOODNESS INSTANTLY I WAS RELIEVED I NEARLY RAN A WHOLE LAP AROUND THE COLLEGE HALL. was damn freaking happy, though this time i tried to give her the badge but she insisted that i keep it, i just agreed coz i thought *there's finally some improvement! so don't rush! take it slowly bah! don't ruined it again!* honestly i was just happy it dint turn out the way i thought it would.

the whole gang of us TT people when for supper and yes she was there, at first i dint noe the way there so i asked her to company me, coz i thought mayb i can talk to her abit more? but she said she was following someone~ but HEY take it slow i told myself~ so i went with the flow~ while eating most of us were taking photos and i thought hey why not take this chance to take a photo with her? but then the thought came again take it slow? i was seriously too overjoyed dy~

mayb tomorrow i'll take a photo with her bah~? maybe?
:DDD

13th July 2011 Speechless

It’s been awhile since my last update

I was really caught up with assignments and stupid thoughts. Recently I saw her in swc room and in canteen 2 foyer, she looks very tired and stress up, guess I shouldn’t be bothering her bah, though I really want to ask her whether she is ok and does she needs a helping hand?

Ugh I had to chance to do so but somehow I hesitated cause I know I’ll cause more trouble and stress to her bah~

Today I almost had the chance to have dinner with her at McD but it dint happen haha~ my face problem bah~ I tried to walk her home but I was rejected immediately~ another face problem~ though I tailed until she reached home. Damn I am really starting to become a stalker pulak~ ugh I dun care bah at least she’s safe.. things wasn’t really resolved I guess the awkward feeling is still there, need to give it more time bah. Though I really regretted for telling her things too early, I could had dodged it by making it into a joke but until the end I thought I dint want to lie, mayb I was taking things too serious bah~ anyway what’s done is done, I’ll need to face the music now~ I asked her whether or not will she be going to bon odori this Saturday but she said mayb, though I thought that the answer was surely a yes, this was a common question in my head recently should I go to bon odori after the job or go to oo nite? I want to go bon odori caused she said she might be there and wearing a yukata ugh! Guys will always be guys bah~ forgive me haha :DD but I guess I’lll just go to OO nite bah, coz I won’t be able to make it bon odori after work if the shuttle is late, I guess I’ll just have to see the photos bah. Making this choice wasn’t easy nyeh~ haha~ recently I look through my photo collection I realized that hey there was one picture that I took with her ACCIDENTALLY cause both of us were in the back ground :D haha honestly I was kinda happy when I saw it, but I’m hoping I can actually take one with her INTENTIONALLY this Sunday if possible?

Somehow today was quite different that the usual day, had dinner with almost the whole SSH SWC members even though I missed the chance to dine with her but it’s alright, somehow there was a point where I was able to talk to her normally which actually MADE MY DAY even though she dint want me to walk her home but I thought its better than nothing huh? And because of the ssh swc members, i’m not feeling that under the weather though, cause those guys back there was about serious humor not matter how many times I dint felt like laughing they made me laughed. It’s been ages since I had such a laugh~ guess SSH people are easier to joke with bah not so serious~ haha~ today sam said that I’m more of a SSH person rather than a SOT person for the second time, honestly it really puzzled me whether DMH was really the course for me at times, but I keep on brushing things aside cause I need to see things through already though I guess hanging out with them wasn’t bad at all~ :D

Whenever I drink green tea it reminds me of her, but she doesn’t look like a green tea or neither does she smell like a green tea.. And whenever I see people wearing a UK flag design shirt and a superman design shirt reminds me of her.. shyt I’m seriously going overboard until I myself find myself scary, ugh! Guess it’s okay as long it remains hidden? She recently was really floating in my head almost the whole time. Though I keep telling myself to focus on my finals 1^st bah~ these things can be sorted out later on. Somehow today I feel much lighter, guess I can’t let these things have the better part of me after all, I’m starting to hear the roar that used to fuel myself for going on~ haha~ I guess everything is coming back to me since everything is starting to make sense already~ anyway I just hope she is happy bah.. I mean if by being together with her will rob her of her smile then there’s just no point being with her, am I right? Even though I understand this but why I am still so crazy about her? I just don’t understand!! until one day I actually find the answer I hope she will be the 1^st one to hear it. Which reminds me she doesn’t like cheesy messages LOL aku seriously failed~ anyway she used to say this to me “CHILL LA” kinda remind me of esther she used to tell me the same thing, am I really that serious? Ugh! Face problem bah Raymond answered me, I can’t deny it bah~ she hates gentlemen ugh ok? hahaha~ fuck it! ima gonna just be myself bah~ i've gotta to stop running bah~ hahaha~ i know there's a solution out there i'll look for it after my finals bah~

Anyway everything was thanks to Raymond tan that waited for me and was willing to help sending them to McD and sending them home~ man he really is one hell of a friend~ glad I met him~ he listen to my complains most of the time until sometimes I myself oso feel pai seh dy macam wasting his time. But his just Raymond bah~ friends like him is not easily found~ steady as always :D

Don’t worry brothers if you guys ever need my help I’ll be there as long as I’m still alive!!!

i read through this post once again i seriously see how stupid i am, and how scary i am starting to become from people's point of view. anyway this is just for myself to reflect upon. and learning to appreciate the little things.

Everything comes with a price!! anyway i'm gonna put everything inside this blog and forget about the rest bah~ i don't have time to be heart broken now, i have a aim to go to UK by next year!!! OSU!!!

2nd July 2011 Shandy

it was on the 28th june, my beloved shandy passed away,
i thank her for her 11 years of service to my family,
she was more than juz a pet to me, she was a family member to me.
she was so small when she joined my family, my palm was able to hold her.
she have brought lots of happiness and laughter to my family.

on the 28th june 2011 morning, when i left the house she was at her usual position resting in her basket, looking at me when i walked out of the house and i gave her the usual pat on the head and i took off. i dint notice it was the last pat i was able to give her...
later that day, in the evening about 6pm my mum called me but i was having a test so i dint answer it, after the test when i said my goodbye with my friends, i called my mum and to my horror, shandy has left us..
I was lost, i dint noe what to do or what i could do, so many things happen all at once, 1st was about my love life den now my beloved shandy. for the rest of the day i wondered around as if i've lost almost everything i ever had, i had no direction and not a drop of my passion for things remained, food tasted like shit and everything was fading.

The minute i reach home, the house looks lifeless, no one came out to greet me like,
no one was next to the door sleeping, no one was calling out for me, no one was waiting at the door for me, no one was there... before this even if i reach home 1st, she was always there to greet me, waiting for me to open the door, calling for me, and even come out to check on me.
Even now, whenever i reach home 1st, i continue to see imagines of her usual positions.
inside the house she would rest under the staircase and snores, but all that is left now was her smell and tat was also slowly fading away.

i can still remember it was my job to bath almost every saturday, and because of my assignments and responsibility, i wasn't able to bath her for the last time. i usually take out for walks, to her favorite park near my house while i myself would be on the phone or juz gasping for fresh air. I wasn't able to bring her for a walk for the last time, there were times when i talk to her about the my trouble and ask her to help me make a choice usually she'll be just looking at me as thought everything was alright.

Even though we knew that her time was near, but her departure was just still too sudden for me. but at least we did not nid to make the decision to put her to sleep. but still its just so heartbreaking.. she that was always there for me suddenly gone...

on the 29th june 2011, i went to the vet where her body was, i went to see her for the last time,
i couldn't control after seeing her body lying there motionless, those eyes which were looking at me ever since 11 years ago, was closed shut, her body was cold and stiff..

Who can i talk to from now on? who would be the one that welcome me back home?
who would go for a walk with me in the park? i miss her so much... i wish i can talk to you now, there's just so many things happening now.

i keep telling myself not to cry over spill milk, but i keep thinking of her when i'm back at home,
i know it sounds stupid for a guy like me to be missing a dog, but i don't care what heartless people think of me.

the basket which she always sleeps in, its but an empty basket now...

she would always be waiting for us to return home no matte what time it was, even during raining days she would also rush out to greet us.

rest in peace shandy, your basket will always be ready for you, and there will always be a place for you in my heart.

28th June 2011 A cooling breeze

everything is more a less settle down.
she wanted me to fuck off awhile b4 actually becoming friends back,
so i'm juz trying to chill back here~
all thanks goes to lyn for showing me some very helpful pointers when i was in a pinch.
thx bro i'm much better now~
though somehow sorry to disappoint u but i just am unable to give up completely juz yet..
but i know my priorities, and i'm aiming for a better future, this love thing are secondary in my life. i'm having more time to rest and chill since talentime night was over, but i'll be spenting it by studying, to reach my dream of studying in UK by next september, i'm willing to give up everything to go there even her.
the hateful and agony still is crawling in my heart its not gonna get me so easily as b4 dy.
anyhow its all better dy~
please continue to give me the strength to face everyday with the best of myself!!!

the prove that i'm still crazy

22th June 2011 Confused

this case is just so freaking complicated wei~!!!
today's problem is more a less the same but,
i got her to reply me on facebook, i asked her why she din't reply my sms and she said she has no credit anymore,
well not that i wanna doubt her but last time xin yuan also use this excuse to dodge saying she doesn't wanna reply.
and yes i did a FUCKING STUPID mOVE BY ASKING HER THAT!!!
RIGHT AFTER I DID SHE POSTED A WHOLE PAGE FULL OF THE WORD "FUCK"
AND SHE ASK ME FOR SOMETIME ALONE.
I'M SO FUCKING STUPID FOR POSTING SO MANY THINGS ON FACEBOOK!!!
FUCK YOU FACEBOOK!!!!

21th June 2011 Running too fast

These few days, i was really under the weather.
whenever i think about her, whenever i see her fb profile,
i feels like its about to stop, am i that weak?
i just help see that i myself has started to become boring and she's not one bit interested in me dy.
she posted :

I thought we could; but in fact we can't; thanks so much for everything; we're better off close friend. :o

right after i send her home on saturday, my heart was completely crushed,
i tried to get it off my mind and to think that the possibility of her referring to another person,
but some how it dint connect.

Sunday i tried to get things of my mind, i tried to sleep it off dint work, i tried to play dota to clear my mind it dint work at all even though it was my 1st time being the top scorer, i tried to go jogging to clear my mind it work for awhile but i came back again, then i tried to sms her, to find her reply me at 11pm while i sms her about 8am, okay mayb she was busy~ but after she replied she posted:

takde initiative nak reply pun. next time dont ask why complaint. there's always reasons. its whether you understand ke tak. ugh, tido.

another death blow to my heart. I completely fell into despair until now i dun even dare to sms her dy, i saw her a few time in college though, but i dun dare to call out to her, she seems so far dy. i wonder was tis distance already here? or did it just gotten longer? some many thought were running through my mind that night i couldn't sleep until i had to use my mp3 to put me to sleep.

Yesterday night, i was really an my limit, having to work with and unable to communicate with her like we used to, really felt so painful. after i shared with raymond and kent, they pointed out to me that i was too careful and more space for trial and error should be allocated, and the main point is that i was running too fast, too hasty to see the outcome, mayb she was right lets start off as friends 1st. i wont give up just yet, i wan to give it my all so that even though i fail, i wont regret that i dint try my best rather i wasn't good enough for her.

Her smile that i really love cannot be compared to others.
u will always be in my heart even though i may not be given a space.
it's okay...

18th June 2011 Restless heart

Its been awhile since I've update this blog.
i was busy with all the Talentime nite preparation and sponsor hunting process.
i like to be busy so i wont think of any unnecessary things like my love life.
but during these times, i was struck by it again,
though she's not as pretty as what my friends always look at, but she's just the type i like
hard working, she's simple, she gives off a bright radiance with a very dear fragrance, a smile that is able to melt my heart every time i see it an big watery eyes which of cause i dun have but she's perfect to me at least since I'm not perfect i wont ask her to perfect also,anyway these matters can be discuss after she is willing to accept me into her life.
well I'm still trying to understand her better whether is she the person i really think she is.
i know these things are no walk in a park and can be very complicate which it is already in my head, I'm praying very hard that i don't make the same mistake as i did long time ago,
comparing and thinking too much are the 2 enemies I'll have to win against.

though I've made up my mind that i will not bring this matter up until, i get at least 3.0++ gpa
to find my ambition and have a clear look of my own future before i will proceed, i know time doesn't wait for anyone, so time is short for me dy. please give me the strength and discipline to carry on and to fulfill this. at least she is clear of her own future. and I'm still kinda lost in my own mind. until then I'll continue to put on a smile even though my heart is still very restless but I've gotta give it my all.