Monday, February 28, 2011

1st March 2011 That familiar Stranger

Although this happened quite sometime ago but i said i'll blog it for the sake of my self reflection and learning.

There was this time where i felt that the people around me are very plastic even though i try hard to blend into their style and interests, and one of the few was the 3 BISHOPS, their acting and talking are just so plastic and just talking to them i feel stress because their words are giving all sorts of sharp objects and meaning which make me feel like a stranger to all my friends.

Actually during one point i was noting down almost everything they say and kept quiet to watch and see. Honestly i don't like this feeling, its like everyone i was knew were plastic people and i was just a FAMILIAR STRANGER that's always sticking around them. I'm really sick of all the fake smile i give them and tired from all their indirect talking. this was one of the reason i choose to gave up our yum cha session and find something to fill in my time. honestly out of the 3 there is one that is just too fake to me, he pops out from no where and kicks me out.I'm Fed up~

Anyhow i'll just walk my way as the title i'm given and slowly walking out of this friendship which i once was interested in. Anyway sound so stupid for me to be saying this but i'll just say it~ forgive me~ i'm just starting to be the familiar stranger that you all wanted so much and don't blame if i don't give a shit about you problems.
There just so many things going through my mind at one time and other time my mind is blank.
How i wish i can have a thoughts eater to eat up all my thoughts and just let me forget everything.

Damn by just writing this also spoil my mood~

Sound stupid yet this is just for my self reflection and learning purpose~

1/3/11 case closed

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

9th February 2011 Dear Friend

Its just passed Chinese new year~
had a wonderful time back at Ipoh with my family~
my uncle's family and my auntie's family

During this holiday i tried to called a few friends, wished them and even sms some~
made me remember things tat happened last year around the same time.
There is this friends tat i used to be very closed with~
she wasn't the smartest girl in class but she is smart in her own ways
she wasn't the prettiest girl in class but she is pretty in her own ways
she wasn't the brightest girl in class but she is bright in her own ways
she wasn't the loudest girl in class but she is loud at sometimes
and she carries a very dear fragrance around her wherever she go.
I got to know her when we were in form 1, and i DINT talk to her face to face until form 4
it was when i notice she had some illness, i started to pay more attention to her.
slowly slowly we got to know each other more.

It was during form5 i would hang out in her house after skul from time to time.
slowly i started to have feelings for her, not knowing how she thought of me.
She gave me a ring on my birthday and since then i've been wearing everyday.
Until last year 1st of January i took her out for count down, tat was when i confessed to her.
nevertheless she dint gave me an answer and i waited~
as days goes by i felt tat i was progressing and she did told me there was a love rival for me.
somehow on my side i kept thinking tat i wasn't good enuff yet so i made constant reminder to change my attitude my ways.
but i was wrong she dint like the new me..
she liked the old me and she avoided me at some point.
i was in despair not knowing how to fill in the blank in between us.
and while in my despair, she told me she coupled wif tat rival
i was in pieces broken and lost
but fortunately i was still working and some of my friends advice me and i took this positively
and was also due to my children that has taught me how to smile again.

Soon i when to national service leaving everything behind, my job, my children, my life and her.
during national service i constant found myself thinking of her and what had happened
but the other part of me had took myself to quit thinking of those leave everything behind
and juz focus on whats happening in national service, cause before i left she told me that my greatest weakness is that i think too much and after thinking i feared the possible results which i find is very true. the 3 months in national service flew passed i was back here. but i wasn't able to find a reason to text her though i still had some feelings for her.

As time went on about sometime last year November i suddenly found the valor to texted her and i had a yum cha session wif her~
after hearing what happened to her,
due to a change of events she broke up wif her present boy friend,
honestly speaking after i heard this i was a happy knowing tat mayb i can have another chance
but unfortunately she has completely sealed her heart and the brightness of her was slowly fading... i really wanted to help as to help her not to be so negative and think positive for change.
i've tried but somehow she gave me a feelings as though she has given up to pursuit happiness...

i really that this friend doesn't give up to pursuit happiness..
i really want to her happy i guess.
as for me nothing matters anymore, it doesn't has to be me to help her pursuit happiness
but i juz hope she don't stop and don't entertain negative thoughts as she is doing now...
all of this is just what i felt when i talked to her, i hope i'm wrong and i hope she can the way she used to be..

She hardly ever allowed me to take a photo of her so this is the best i have.