Saturday, July 28, 2012

28th July 2012 Agonized

Its been quite awhile since my last update haha~
it only means that serious shit hasn't happened until now bah~
more like an emotional break down...
i dunno how am i able to get myself in this kinda situation over and over, it just feels so pitiful.

well i'll update everything that has happened so far.

i'll start with i've meet this gang of people which i have unknowingly placed them very dear to my heart, since last year after the SSSH event, i've been hanging out with them and somehow i really treasure them, but if its the same for them that i'm no longer sure la.
we went to muar last year during our sem break~ it was really fun staying at Grace's house and with everyone together. we even went to melaka~ really missed that time~ had lots of fun..
but i guess the fun has to come to an end bah? nothing last forever de.

And that was how i became quite attached to them, and i helped them in their next event which is TT night, and i guess that was slowly the beginning of my downfall...

 The group consist of Edwin, Jie Rou, Joyce, Moon, Eveline, Grace and Raymond which is not in this picture.

In the group i was closer to jie rou, Grace and joyce compared to the others bah, excluding edwin and raymond haha its impossible to not be close to these 2. though edwin has been drifting further and further apart mayb due to eveline's influence, oh yeah forget to mention tat edwin and eveline are dating. so their the only couple in the group, though there used to be raymond and jie rou, while the rest have their boyfriends~ Moon was dating Issac, sumone not in college and she met him in PC fair and long story la~ Joyce  was dating Wayne, sumone not in our college oso but his still studying and Grace was dating Xiao Bai sumone not in our college oso but still studying. While i have no one but myself and a broken heart at that time, hahahaha~ pitiful huh? At least tat was what used be la, until recently. Moon broke up with Issac, Joyce broke up with wayne and Grace jus broke up with Xiao bai last weeks ago.

Well this is where the story starts, i've unknowingly had a crush on Joyce, honestly I too did not know when it started but before i knew it, it was almost too late. I'll you more about Joyce, She one of the most amazing girls, that i've met other than Dorcas and Pei Xuan, while Dorcas and Pei Xuan are from rich background, well joyce is oso from a rich background too, but with a history i think, she works hard to accomplish her goals, and she is very good at savings and she takes up alot of part time job to buy herself things of her heart desires, for example she was able to save up to 6k to install bracers, ermm to me i was like wow? 6k? and her next goal is to buy a car. hahaha doesn't look to impossible right? Well i wont just define her as good bah, too general. She wears specs, has a sharp nose, rather short about 150cm, has a sweet smile and very smart. She's the type tat even though she already know the answer she will still ask the same question, for wad purpose that is for us to find out la. She's serious with her work and when she plays she is quite sporting and dun mind doing embarrassing things to make us laugh at times, but she is also very conscious of her image, and what others think about her. But honestly almost any guy would fall her bah~ haha i was not spared i guess. She isn't exactly the most quiet person around but compared to me she's quiet bah~ hahaha~

 After she broke up with wayne, i even flamed him for her which i find that what i did was very uncalled for la, soon after that grace and moon set me up and kept making jokes about us dating, it was still acceptable at 1st, and i was enjoying the moment at that time, i was very happy able to treat her well, laugh with her, tease her, joke with her and even help her with her work. i was very satisfied. there was even a chance for me to carry her, that was the best day i would credits goes to grace la hahaha~ she carried joyce 1st then she pass her to me~ at 1st i hesitated but then i thought there might not be a chance like this bah. so i held on to her~ damn i was so happy tat day i could had died happily... if only i died that day things might not have turned out like how it is now. Whatever she asked i would always do it for her no matter how tired i was, i would still put up a bold front and complete things for her... if only things were the same.
 Soon as things continue, grace's jokes were starting to make things turn ugly, but i wont blame her la, she's just playful and a honest girl. :) Soon i noticed that joyce was starting to ignore me and only talk to me when work is involved no longer the same treatment as before.... Damnit all... I was very despair and agonized. She would rather seek others for help sometimes and the worst thing is that she's always having fun and playing around with John, KK and Ah Geng. i wont say i'm not jealous la, but i feel very stupid la.. helping them do their things and i get ignored. thats why most of the time i would rather work alone and not listen to them playing bah.. i sucks i know but i no longer am able to hide my emotions like i used to. haiz since when did i became so weak? During the whole TT night and OO night, I felt that i've became the outsider while John, KK and Ah Geng had took my place, being replaced. i felt dirty and cheap la. But even though i told myself many times not to care and not to be bothered, i cant help it i was always thinking about her and the girls, whether were they eating ok and are they safe. silly me to worry myself like that. they no longer need me... And i was planning to just disappear after everything was over, i mean i was always left out during that period so it won't change much whether i was there or not anymore. At least that was how i was trying to lie to myself.

I just felt so depressed cause, i did not want to believe that the friendship and people i treasure so much would actually replaced me just like that. I was sad to see that yes Ernest this is how u stand in their hearts probably just normal friends to them.. it was so sad for me... i remember what dad used to tell me, don't ever let people into ur heart and the thing u hold dearest to ur heart will one day be the thing that will crush you. Yes it was happening the 2nd time. I was very sad as the person i love was giving me that kind of treatment plus the friends which i care so much for is taking me for granted?
I was thinking that hmmm maybe it was because i gave them the feeling that i would always be there so they are doing this bah.. but i soon noticed even if i gave them a cool shoulder or were to disappear they wont remember me at all. they already have new replacements and i guess i just have no value anymore. i just feel so stupid... and so pathetic... how can i be so weak? WHY AM I SO WEAK?!

maybe its because their are my weakness... my soft spot... haiz i've done it again... hurted myself... honestly there were many times i hurt myself to help them with their things but i just kept quiet, i just wanted to see their smiles bah.. or maybe was i finding a place to belong? hahahahaha~ during this period there were lots of times where i drove home late in order to fetch bah from hanging out with John and KK, during the yum cha session they will be playing with John and KK like how we used to while i jus sit there quietly.. i really wonder why am i doing this? my friends told me i should learn to say no and maybe i should really just find myself another place to belong to... and after all of this i thought of sam.. i'm starting to end up like her, mayb i would end up like her... i was afraid..

I was more like an outsider now, and just a driver at some point... but thats all i'm worth i guess..other than driving them around i guess i have no reason to be around them anymore. then i thought to myself, if only i was less emotional, and maybe emotionless this would not had happen.. i would not had hold them so dear to my heart.. i was really suffering how come the people i did so much for just treat me like this? maybe its a wake up call... i thought that, I don't need friends anymore... since everything is so fake and it doesn't last, i dont need something like this anymore. I would rather go back to the old me SOLITARY BAMBOO, where Strength and Solitude were side by side. Crushing everyone in my way. regardless of what other people think and feel. honestly i thought FUCK FEELINGS LA! I DON'T NEED FEELINGS! I ONLY NEED STRENGTH AND POWER! WHICH IS MONEY! Its lonely la but i don't care bah, i mean i care for them so much and what did i get?

even thought i said tat much and thought all that, but i can't help but to be reminded of the pair of converse shoe they bought for my birthday present last year... " A pair of shoes that will never allow me to slip of fall" it was a very surprising gift. i thought that maybe i'm just overthinking things bah..
But the i thought last time was because they only had me and edwin plus raymond, but since they've found new replacements ermm it might not be the same bah. And thought that how i'm thinking is wrong! because when u help sumone u are not suppose to expect anything in return and they were my sisters... or mayb i thought tat was it because i started to fall for joyce thats why it seems that i've betrayed our friendship... could be possible... The many times when i was driving home alone, i thought of how stupid and pathetic i was.. to find myself laughing at myself and laughing out loud until tears started to come out... how can i possibly be so weak?.... i was agonized...

From the left is Moon, Eveline, Grace and Joyce. pretty isn't she? hahaha~

Well one day, Grace did told me that they felt tat they were unconsciously ignoring me and that she felt bad.. i was shocked when she said that i meant it was like my deepest thought and how come she knows it? She continued to tell me that moon said tat i was irreplaceable. i was happy to hear that for awhile la but then i thought words are cheap after all, they can say all they want but things doesn't really seem that way doesn't it? Or maybe i was more despressed about joyce bah...
Caused i was a few days before this when i was at home trying my best to not sms or text joyce, i was thinking about her almost all time. until suddenly she sms me. she asked me wad i was doing?

i write the conversation here bah
Joyce: what are you doing?
me: sitting in front of the computer.
Joyce: can i ask you something?
Me: go ahead
Joyce: Do you like me?
*note: i was stunned when she said that*
Me; yes
Joyce: what type of like?
Me: its hard for me to explain can i call you or talk to you face to face?
Joyce: I'm at a dinner, so no.. if want to call then u'll need to wait for me to go home 1st.
Me: Ok i'll wait.

I waited for 2 hours and i was actually on my way to her house i wanted to tell her face to face, though i know wad i did was uncalled for la. but i thought it would be better. to find that she texted me saying she was tired and ask me to type out my feelings if i can else tomorrow only call her..
damn i was devasted totally devasted... she really dint cared at all she just want settle things and make thigns clear i guess.
So i took a U-turn and went home, and waited for the next morning, i knew she was gonna reject me no matter what i say, i even though of just sayign that it was a joke that i like her. but i thought what the heck la just be honest for once. then i called her, she said she liked it more when we were friends.
haiz heart broken.... damn it all... seems like i will never be able to love sumone with all my heart.
i mean the person that i really really like and love, just doesn't give a shit and people will never love me like how i love them... what am i saying? haiz I WAS NOT BUILDED FOR LOVE AT ALL!!!

I really wish that my feelings one day will be able to reach them... I really love you all, and cherish u all but it really hurts me that i'm not of that same value... hmmm maybe i shouldn't actually care for them so much to begin with bah... made me really cheap. but honestly i dun mind being cheap, but it hurts alot that i was not appreciated and everything i had done up till so far seems so vain...

I really want to tell Joyce, how much her laughter and smile means to me.. I really want t ogive you my all... all i need was a chance from her bah? but she once told me that "机会是自己争取的!“ so its no excuse at all bah...

i'll update more tomorrow~ i'm feeling sleepy now.. continue tomorrow bah! with PART 2

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