君とよく歩いた
いつもの道と私
月と歩きながら
悲しいメロディー
あんな颜をさせるつもりじゃなかったの
ただ「好き」なだけなのに
君を悲しませてしまった
あの日の涙
逢いたい気持ちは
どんなに伝えても 伝えきれない
溢れ出した言叶が届くなら
君を想い 歌いたいよ
逢いたい気持ちは
どんなに伝えても 伝えきれない
また今夜も思ったことひとつ
今も君を爱してると…
逢えばわがままばかり
ときどき言い过ぎたときも
笑って許した
大人な君で
孤独に思った君に
「気付くことが出来た」なら
「そっと手、差しのべられた」なら
「ぬくもり」も「これから」も
「ふたりで…」だった？
逢いたい気持ちは
どんなに伝えても 伝えきれない
溢れ出したまた言叶が届くなら
君を想い 歌いたいよ
あの日に戻れるのならば
これ以上何もいらない
また今夜も思ったことひとつ
今も君を爱してると…
言叶に出来ない想いを
この歌で今伝えたい
溢れ出した気持ちが届くなら
君を想い歌いたいよ
今夜も大空を見上げ
月が照らすその場所へと `
大切な人と共に歩きたい
ずっと ずっと 側に居たい
繋いだ手を離さないで…
I am on the road
I used to walk with you
Walking beneath the moon
While singing a sad melody
I didn’t mean to put that expression on your face
Even though I loved you
I made you feel sad
And there were tears that day
I can’t tell you how much
I want to see you no matter how hard I try
If these pouring words will reach you
I want to think of you as I sing
I can’t tell you how much
I want to see you no matter how hard I try
Tonight I realized something once again
That I’m still in love with you…
When we meet I act selfishly
And sometimes I say too much
But you smile and forgive me
Because you’re an adult
I thought you were alone
If I had “realized”
If I had been able to “softly reach out my hand”
Then “warmth” and “time”
Would have been “ours” right?
I can’t tell you how much
I want to see you no matter how hard I try
If these pouring words will reach you
I want to think of you as I sing
If I could go back to that day
That would be all I needed
Tonight I realized something once again
That I’m still in love with you…
Now I want to show in this song
What I couldn’t put into words
If my overflowing emotions will reach you
I want to think of you as I sing
Tonight I want to look up at the vast sky
And walk together with my loved one
To that place where the moon shines
I want to always, always be at his side
Hold my hand and never let go…
11 comments:
Hey there. It's been so long time since we had our last conversation. Well we weren't the closest friend so that's completely normal. Since you haven't update your blog for so long, I kinda gave myself a heads up first that you might never read this. But it makes me feel better, writing down all the words that I could never say to anyone into one single comment to be posted at your blog, and just letting everything out. Hopefully, what I wrote will get to you but if it didn't, it's fine anyway. It's a little bet between me and fate. Fate will decide it.
Now, for what I'm about to say, how about we start with a travel back to year 2008? I was 16, got into a new class with a few of my close girl friends. The whole class were complete strangers to me. I know most of them, but it's just like "oh I know your name but I never really talked to you before" that kind of level. Took me almost three months to get used to the new environment. I'm not good with changes. I'm the worst at dealing with changes and coping. Anyway, there's this guy in class whom I knew his name long ago, but never talked to before. He never talked to me ever since I got into the class, but three months later, bam, he posted at my wall in Friendster (it's basically like Facebook). He left his email address there, so that I could add him as friend. I was dumbfounded at first, but decided to add him anyway since I thought he's a pretty cool guy. I still remember the first thing I asked him was his age, because he included his year of birth in his email address, which shown to be a year above me.
Things didn't take a drastic change between us. He's still the loud guy in class who has an attitude and loves making people laugh with his antics. I'm still just the quiet girl that no one will ever remember. He and I talked a few times. I wouldn't call it a conversation, just small talks that consist of random topics. He's pretty close with a particular girl in class. They play and tease each other from time to time. I thought they were a couple really, just like how the rest of the class thought so too. They denied of course.
After some time, I noticed that he stopped playing with her. They don't tease or sass each other like they used to anymore. I asked him about it in a text, but he never really gave me an answer. That's just how he is. He's the kind of guy that doesn't find it comfortable to talk to anyone about his stuff because he doesn't think that there'll be anyone that can truly understands him. He keeps everything to himself, struggling alone and even though he's surrounded by tons of friends everyday, I don't find his laughs to be real from the bottom of his heart. That's just how I felt that he is.
One day he texted me after school, coming up with a prank for April's Fool. He suggests that we fool our friends that we're dating. I accepted his idea cause it sounded fun. That day we spent a lot of alone times, like sitting together in the science lab. He helped me carry my notebooks and walk next to me when we're heading back to class. We even hold hands in front of our friends as we lie to their face, "announcing" that we're dating. Not many people bought the idea. Come on, announcing our sudden new status of being a couple on 1st of April? We're not fooling anyone. Wasn't a major success for our prank, but it was really fun. I smiled for the rest of the day.
Come to think of it, I can't recall when was it that I started to like him? Was it the time when he hugged my shoulder when I cry on the day that my best friend leaving school to move to Penang? The moment he held my hand in front of our friends when pLaying our act? Or is it the night when I talked to him on the phone until 2 a.m. in the morning? This phone call meant nothing to him, I know. I called him, he was up playing with his computer games since he's used to going to bed way past bedtime. He was too polite to hang up on me, hence the long phone call. I was literally sleeping with a huge grin plastered on my face that night after the chat.
We started to text each other more. We still don't talk much at school, but we started to text more often after school. Still just small talks, random topics about school, teachers or friends, his messages all short and always ends with "~" or something like "XD", but still, it makes me happy. Secretly, I was hoping that to him, I'm different from other girls. I wished that to him, I was special. His actions were always very vague, nothing definitive, no clue or signs for me to know whether there's a possibility for something to happen between us. I'm like a behavior analysts from Criminal minds, trying study his every move for his true intention. He's very hard to read, I must say.
Then, comes this day that lift me all the way straight to heaven, and then threw me back down to earth. The day before, he texted me and told me that he need time talk to me, and there're things that he had to tell me face to face. I had a pretty solid idea of what he was gonna tell me, but I didn't speak out cause I really want him to tell me. I really wanted him to say this words to me face time face, not through texting. Since the message, I had been counting down minutes and hours to the next day, anxious to hear the words from him.
The next day finally arrived, he asked me to take a walk with me along the corridor outside our class, saying that he need to talk to me in private. And so I followed him out. We walked in silence, my heart pounding so hard that I thought it's gonna crack my rib cage. We walked back and forth, he remained silent the whole time. I can feel my blood starting to freeze in my veins, because somehow I knew that it's not gonna happen. He's not gonna say the words that I longed to hear to me. He never felt the same after all. We walked back into class. My heart sank, and I didn't talk to him for the rest of the day at school. After I got back home, I straight away texted him, asking for a reason. I knew the chance was really slim, but I prayed and crossed my fingers, hoping things will make a turn time the good side. But unfortunately, God and luck were not on my side. He texted me back "I'm sorry. I've made a mistake. It's not gonna happen anymore".
I felt as though I was slapped across my face several times, one slap for each words he wrote to me. I felt completely stupid. I felt completely worthless. I keep asking myself the same questions "why did he not like me?" "did I upset him?" "What was it that I did that messed things up?" I wanna scream out loud, tell the world how angry I am, how disappointed and heart broken I am, but no voice was able to come out of my throat. I put up a smile and text him back, telling him that it's OK. He probably doesn't care about me, which is why he chose to believe that I'm OK. And soon instead of asking myself questions, I started to place all the blame on myself instead. "you're never good enough for him" "how stupid of you to think that he'll ever like a girl as plain as you are" "there's so many girls prettier and smarter than you. Fat chance that he'll overlook your flaws and like you instead".
You have no idea how this incident affected me in every way. Even after I started dating myself boyfriend (who by the way was really wonderful and I felt so lucky to have him), there's just these questions that constantly haunt me. Why? Why did it turn out to be a mistake? What did he mean by that? Did he even like me at all at some point? I was haunted by all these questions for years, until one day I finally gather all the courage thats left in me, asked my bestie to get me his number, and I texted him. I wanted to get an answer, a closure so that I can move on with my life. I asked him a few questions, mainly "why?".
In my past years, I have been playing some imaginary scenes in by head. I thought about a thousand possibilities of the reason behind the rejection. I suppose I was just too desperate. I hoped that at some point at least he liked me, even if it's just for a while. I wanted it to be true so bad. But guess what? Life doesn't always goes the way the I wanted to. Turns out, I was just a rebound, nothing but a poor replacement for someone else. I was the shadow of someone else all along. I sincerely thought that he might have saw something in me that no one could, that he found admirable. But boy I was so wrong. Yes he might be looking at me, but he didn't see me. He sees someone else instead, I was merely a pathetic shadow that's beneath her feet.
The truth hit me like a truck. I was crushed to pieces beyond repair. I got the closure that I've always wanted, but the answer and the truth were too brutal.
It's been a long time since I asked him those questions. A year may be? I don't really remember. At times I still think about him, thinking how's his life, is he happy, is his school life stressing him, is he still having problems with his friends like how he mentioned in his blog, has he finally gather his courage to pursue the girl of his dreams. I can't let him go yet, not completely. Hell, I don't think I'll ever get over him. At least not for now. This might sound cheesy, but to me he's the one that got away, the one that I knew o never had the chance to be with from the start. But I could never bring myself to hate him. I just can't figure out what kind of magic or power on me that just makes me not able to hate him. I wanted him to be happy. I really wanted all the happiness of the world for him. Hopefully someday when I see him again, he'll be smiling, genuinely feeling happy from the bottom of his heart.
I expect nothing from you, really. I'm telling you all this not to blame you, mock you or insult you in any way, hell no. It's just that all these unspoken words that I kept to myself so long have been suffocating me for so long, all I wanna do is just let you know how I felt that time, and the collateral damage of the incident. I feel much better now, letting everything out. I know you probably won't wanna know about all this either, but just let me be for this one time alright?
Alright I guess that's all I have to say. Damn I'm really am annoying girl aren't I? I mean if I were you, I won't even wanna read all this. It's so damn long and filled with annoying ramblings of a girl who you don't really know. It's OK if you skip it or just ignore it. But this I hope you'll come across and read. I wanna let you know that, I liked you. I really liked you a lot back then, well now I still do but may be toned down a lil. To me, you're a guy who's always there for people that he cares about and willing to do whatever it takes to help them if they're in trouble. You laugh a lot and is never ashamed to embarrass yourself just to make everyone laugh. I like your laugh, especially when you got a huge grin plastered on your face till your eyes turned into two upward "u"s. You like keeping things to yourself, because you don't wanna trouble anyone with your problems and you thought why bother telling anyone anyway since no one understands. You wanna live your life to the fullest, always wanting to learn new things, try new things and make new friends.
From what I see and know about you (in my own perspective), you're a really awesome girl and any girl that could have you is definitely one hell of a lucky one. Don't ever let people bring you down. You're a great guy and you should know it, don't let anyone tell you different. Helping out your friends is never should be seen as pathetic.
If all that still can't soak into your mind, just remember this, there's this girl that really liked you, and still do (toned down a lil, mind you). If someone liked you, then there's definitely qualities in you that's worth admiring, which she saw and you just can't. So keep your head held high would ya? I never want you to be that boy who has that sadness shadowing his smile.
Lastly, please be happy. If you remember all that, you'll eventually figure out who I am. If you don't, that's fine cause I'm really just a nobody. Keep smiling cause you'll never know, someday, there might be a girl who fall for your smile. =)
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