10th September 2011 Hazy

v3 [DIFF] [EDIT]

What is it that I left behind
Just before I started dreaming?
Though I don’t want to forget,
Sometimes, suddenly, in a corner of my memories,
A gently blurred sepia color floats up.
On the other side of these days in front of my eyes, little by little, it moves further away.

Why am I running
Until I’m out of breath, anyway?

So afraid of standing in place that I sped up,
I felt my quickening heartbeat to make sure that I’m really here.
If you listen carefully for that little voice deep inside your heart,
The world that surrounds you will clear up and spread to tomorrow.

Drawing closer, then going a little further away,
Waving to the people I’ve met,
I become honest on this road I feel I’ve traveled before.
Laughing faces and crying faces -
Look, if you add them together, it’s lovely.
There are always unchanging things within yourself.

As the sun shines on your face after you cried,
Are you gradually learning love?
Let’s focus our eyes on the future
That was unclear and so far away.

When the wind sweeps over my cheeks and sings its song around my ears,
I take it into my strongly resounding heartbeat and move closer to the sky.
I’m carried by a light bounce in my step,
And I continue to a story no one has seen yet.

9th September 2011 Stone heart

its been awhile again~ haha~
everything is somehow fine i guess?
There hasn't been anything happening particularly?
or is it that i lost my senses to realize what's happening?
I've realise I've slowly starting to become a stone heart..
heartless? its more like there's alot of things i can't find myself to bother about anymore....
 bah bah~ as for things i wanted to do, most of them had been completed~
but somehow i still kinda empty inside...

recently i dunno there's just a feeling that I'm back to solitary life style.
most of my friends cant really be bothered about me, yes i'm starting to sound like a girl
but pfft~ who cares~ its not like u're really hearing me say this up front~ bah~
somehow during this holiday even though there were a few outings but i still feel empty and dead.
dunno why... mayb its bcoz i sprain my ankle and am unable to go jogging for awhile or is it bcoz i haven been swimming lately? haha~ excuses i guess~ its all cooking in my mind~ will have to stay strong and just chiong!
but even though i say nak chiong... i no longer can hear that roaring heart neither do i feel my boiling blood anymore... mayb its bcoz i haven been able to see her for quite sometime dy?

bah bah~ as for her~
the feeling its still there, she seems to be fine though I'm seeing this thru facebook~
probably just that i no longer feel connected to her even though we don't talk or message each other..
but the things she post seems that she has a "crush" bah~ at least that's where it lead me to la~
during these times i know i should feel crushed and down but somehow I'm just fine...
bah am i starting to be immune to pain? or have i started to grow numb to it?
i need answers, i need solutions, i need help....
very unmanly to call for help bah..
at least that's what dorcas told me, she said girls like guys that can take care of them?
and she gave me a few examples of guys being very sissy, most of the gave me a critcal hit.
knowing that I'll try to stop posting things on FB and twitter from now on bah..
it only show how childish i am..


ARGH SCREW IT LA!!! THERE'S SO MANY THINGS GOING THROUGH MY MIND I'm REALLY STARTING TO LOSE MYSELF... but yet why am i still so calm and so.....heartless?

29th August 2011 Till that moment comes

You turned your back at me and walked away
without saying a single word…
In my wavering heart, I screamed like a child
“Don’t go…don’t leave…hey…”

I turned my back at you and walked away,
I have to leave this place before I start to cry.
It was a lie when I said I hated happiness.
I acted tough and let go of my ideal future…
I can’t take my wish back…

I feel this small room has gotten wider
expanding the scar in my heart.
And even a minute or a second seem longer…

If only I could spend it with you…

Does this world not even allow me to have a wish?
Even a single lie
will give birth to your tears…
I have sinned so much that I can’t keep track...

When I pick up a bit of the present, I feel like I throw a bit of the past.
But I’m sure the me who laid in
the infinite memories and time
will surely disappear from your memories…

Can’t we go back to how it used to be?
Is this the beginning…or the end?

The nights where I sleep in this wide bed won’t end,
I simply dream…alone
I dream of a dream following your memories.
But I have sinned so much that I can’t keep track...

If I can compensate by experiencing this pain from loneliness,
then please keep me in your memories.

It’ll be great if we can meet again with these immutable feelings.
but until that time comes,
“See you later”

27th August 2011 5th milestone

After 15 days of pouring effort into my studies for my finals and disconnecting from facebook and blogging~
everything has finally ended~
And now sem break~ :D
its a break from all the studies but i still have my own duties and responsibilities to handle~
alot of my frined kept asking me to on my Fb but then i thought ugh why? and since i made a promise to seal my FB acc. i better keep to my word bah. and i don't wan to be the type of person that can say but cannot do, but rather i wan to be the type tat am true to my word just like my father. And is best i don't go back on my words bah, it usually ends up as a back fire de.

honestly these 15 days wasn't a walk in a park for me, mayb its just because i haven really poured so much effort into my exams before. almost everyday i sleep at 1am den wake up at 5 am just to study, i was reaching a point where i really hate sleeping because its a waste of time but yet my body needs it which i cant help it. everyday i was screaming for more time...
was kinda going crazy, i dont know why i'm so serious about my exams this sem..
i told myself:

if i have time to set my hair;
i rather use it to study.
if i have time to facebook;
i rather use it to study.
if i have time to blog;
i rather use it to study.
if i have time to go rest;
i rather use it to study.
if i have time to think about her;
i must use it to study.

though the last one i failed quite a few times...
alot of times unconsciously i was thinking about her...
and hmmm i wanted to wish her all the best for her finals, i was having a hard time deciding whether to call her or to text her? coz i cant use facebook due to promise i made to myself to seal my facebook until i finish my finals so finding her on fb was out of the question. in the end i decide to call her coz i was afraid she might not get the message =3=

while i was calling, i feeling was kinda nervous coz its been awhile since i talk to her on the phone, to my horror it dint get through... and then i decided to text her as a last resort, but then the message dint get through judging from since there was no message received report. i tried 2 days but nth got through. until i had no choice but to ask wesha what happen bah. i'm guessing she changed her handphone number, coz its very inconvenient for a college student to off their phone for more than one day bah. jus guessing but i don't wanna jump to conclusions~ and she's not the type that will simply or randomly change her number de bah..

and on Thursday after my exam while walking to my car and i was taking off my specs, she walk pass just like a breeze.. by the time i noticed it was her, it was already too late~ she walked off, at that point i was asking myself whether or not i should chase her that time but then i thought even if i did chase her what am i expecting? bah though sometimes chasing her mayb good though. but that day something was abit off about her, kinda felt it i guess. dunno mayb i was just thinking too much bah~ mayb i should had just chased her and ask her tat day bah? haha~

anyway since i'm free from all my finals mayb i'll start finding her on FB bah?
haha~

and since my holiday is here~ so far here's the list of things i wanna do~:

1. complete my kingdom key
2. try the matcha swiss roll recipe
3. try the chills molten chocolate cake recipe
   
4. register for the 21km run
5. find at least 2 sponsors for the coming hollow night event
   
6. try laser tag
7. purchase a hand drill a.k.a carving pen
8. purchase and study about the 3x3x3 LED system
9. find a job for my internship.
10. buy a takoyaki pan and try cooking takoyaki
    

optional:-

1. go sungkai hot springs
   
2. ask her out if possible
3. go rafting at kampah.

And thats about all~ By the Way this is the 100th Post~ haha~

12 August 2011 Liberi Fatali

Had been spending most of my time studying for this week,
though there's a saying " don't mistake activities for achievement~!"
So i'll still need to pour my heart into revisions.

I took a break from my studies this wednesday and attended the screening day for the broadcasting students and yes she'll be too la of coz. bah just have to be extra careful not to do make stupid mistakes bah, though the question goes like this

Q: what examples of stupid mistakes? u see her den say hi la duh?
A: Err ya gua, just keep in eye la coz i'm blind when i'm in the dark without my glasses so if she happened to say hi 1st I MUST REPLY or not there'll be another misunderstanding which is very very very very bad!

So on wednesday, elaine told me to be there by 1pm while wendi told me to be there by 2pm, hmmm i followed elaine coz she's the one that i help out so thought mayb she need me to be there abit early or what la. haha~ in the end, i reach there by 1pm to be told to wait til 2pm, which i spend reading notez in my car. Anyway i was really glad i attended it, learned alot seriously. was abit shocked to see how elaine's video turn out. haha was really top notched, partly of my poor acting skills bah.. anyhow was really amazed how they did it so well~ there were a few that i mark them as high potential, especially Pork's MV wao~ blew me away wei~ haha~ i dint know he was such an awesome guy~ "her" video wasn't bad oso quite nice~ wendi's MV was oso breathe taking~ And Derick's movie trailer was the best trailer i would say~ its a comedy compared to the others which are suspense and horror. the rest wasn't bad oso la but these few really stand out lor~ editing and shooting these video aint easy u know? u'll need to try to shoot one there you'll know how hard it is to produce a very very very good one.

I was abit shocked to see ann chuan and xander in broadcasting wei~ i thought both of them different course~ anyway both of them did an awesome job oso~ pro sia~ haha~ though i thought a few groups could do better la, but who am i to judge ppl =3= i'm just a nobody flowing with the flow~Anyway one of the most important thing i learn was seriously nothing is impossible, its the determination that changes the outcome.

After the screening sessions ended, while i was standing behind and chatting with eveline and john, there "she" was haha~ though i told to chance to talk to her abit~ haha really made my day :DDDD though i forgot to wish her all the best in her finals.. but hey i guess i'll just do it when her finals comes closer bah. anyway i think yes i can do it, i can bury my feeling for her for now. haha~ it'll be the path i'll have to walk bah~

though after all this, elaine belanja me and chin yee to pizza hut~ had a awesome meal while chatting with them, was seriously hypered mayb coz too happy dy~ :D when i reach home, dad asked me to go out with him to buy things, i was so happy i dint think of the word " No " at all~ haha~ and after buying all the things, when we're about to leave for home, bah my car cant start =3= sien~ but i was still very hyper so macam no feel haha~ Ah yoon came and fixed it up for me though~ haha~

This will be the last post before the finals. i'll really have to focus and put aside everything. Other than her, this sentence "A little insight wont make this right!" has been floating in my mind lately, hmm wonder why... haha~ btw don't mind the title this time its just a song i've heard very long ago which suddenly came back to me~ haha~ anyway guys should know this song bah since it was u guys that intro-ed it to me de =)

PLEASE GIVE ME STRENGTH TO CRUSH THE FINALS!!!

8th August 2011 Memory lane

this isn't their campus i jus took it because the way the clouds looks so weird, more liek their mist rather than clouds

My long lost sistar chong jia wei~ haha~

My long lost brother Ng Wen Bin~ haha~

monoct and me~

while goofing around in their lecturing hall~ haha~ monoct, me and wen bin~

my beloved ah mah~

Had trip back to Ipoh, it start around 7am in the morning though i slept through the whole journey. though was woked up when my bro got stopped by the police =3=

anyhow had breakfast at ah mah's house~ really missed her, as usual her cooking was awesome! haha~ learned something from her today too~ haha~ really love her for all the things she's taught me.

after breakfast, my bro send me to UTAR in Kampar to lepak with wen bin, monoct and xiao wei~ haha~ wen bin and xiao wei are my long lost brother and sistar! i've lost contact with them ever since 2005, and since last time we dint have handphones neither did we have emails yet. though i wrote letters back to them but somehow there was no reply and slowly i stop writing.
but anyway to be able to meet up with them today was one of my happiest moments!

Wen bin has grown so tall and his so fit, though i don't a hav photo of him last time, but his jus so handsome now haha~ but his reaction is the same as last time bah very big reactions~ Xiao wei is the sistar that was born on the same year, same month and same day as me only a few hours different haha~ she've slim down mayb bcoz she've grown slightly taller bah~ haha~ And monoct! haha its been awhile since i last saw her~ she looks like she's really enjoying her campus life here~ and yes their campus looks very awesome! alot better than the KTAR and UTAR in setapak. I attended wen bin and monoct's lecture got to know wen bin's girlfriend haha she isn't as short as i thought she was though~ seems like wen bin is doing fine himself~ :D damn i really missed those time when i was still in ipoh, always doing things with wen bin and was kinda innocent bah last time, but if it wasn't because that i've came to kl i guess i've would had become just another streetrat and a rubbish of society. well everything has a price to pay bah~ haha~

though today when i was walking around UTAR with my bro while waiting for wen bin, i bump into Ah phoon honestly i was shocked! her hair wasn't blonde and honestly i like how she looks now :D looks more healthy and less lala-ed bah~ was surprise she recognized me! and she ever remember my name!!! WAO even though i din't talk to her before in camp =3= bah guess i'm popular in camp :DDDD haha~ as if la...

Overall today i sat for hours chit chatting with xiao wei and wen bin~ really got alot to catch up with btw xiao wei oso dint change much la like last time when i made her cry, hor hor BOY did she came after me! haha~ coz she told a case of a friend of hers, pushing her too much until she snapped until now~ hor hor scary sia~ so learn for today? DONT EVER PISS XIAO WEI OFF U'LL REGRET IT! haha~

honestly was really glad i was given a chance to spend time with them :D
though the nest time i wanna meet up with suk fui~ heard she's taking her form6 now~

OKAY its time for me to get serious and prove myself!!
And after all of this i promise i will set things right!!

7th August 2011 鏡の国

This is KANO Yasuhiro latest work~ i can see the potential of it in jus the 1st chapter~ haha~ most of his works are about secrets how the main character has a secret that can absolutely cannot be told to anyone~ hope this time he doesn't get cancel before he could end the manga properly.

Anyway after reading this manga some how relax me~ as shown above there are some phrases that hits me directly like an arrow~ haha especially the part where he tells himself how he has carefully told the chance and use it as a foundation to build friend relationship with satomi, and if his too careless to place high hopes on top of all this, he could end up with nothing. And not just from his mouth. even a slight rumor that ends up in satomi's ears is a big NO-NO. Unless he is absolutely positive that it will work. he will not risk ruining this unique relationship that lady luck has blessed him~ and because of that he'll have to bury his own love without hesitation.

If and only if i had thought that far just like him, to not risk the chances things may had ended differently mayb? haha~ Anyway recently i thought that even if we're together we won't have lasted bah consider how things had already turn out to be, the same would happen if we were together but mayb it'll happen a bit later but its sure to come. Anyway all i can do now is just like harisugawa, I'll just have to bury my love without hesitation. Somehow i used to think that i couldn't do it but now i think i can do it bah! Anyway since I've nearly gone berserk on the 5th august, I'm feeling quite composed and cool about things now.

anyway it's not that I'm clueless and directionless at all now, I've 2 projects listed out with the highest priority, will be updating about them more after my finals. So lets face what is at hand~ Finals!!! and wishing her all the best in her finals bah~ though i'll just text her when the time comes bah~ haha~ I shall nat make stupid mistakes anymore!